Search

Tyler Talks Pet Heaven

July 4th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

tyler

 

Hi, it’s me. Tyler! Let’s get one thing straight, okay? There’s no such thing as “Pet Heaven”. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute….. don’t get all bent out of shape, let me finish! The guy that made up this so called “Pet Heaven” knew nothing about us. There’s only one Heaven, and that’s right there, up in your face, licks and slurps, with humans! They can’t get rid of us that easy (not that they really want to), we’re there romping and frolicking right alongside, and we don’t even have to go to PETCO to get all the goodies. Heaven is Petco, only you don’t have to pay for anything. And you don’t have to work at being cute!

I want to talk about a very special dog. That’s right, a DOG! Any of you cats have trouble with that, you just pay me a visit at about 3:00 after my nap, and if I don’t answer I’m still napping. As I was saying, this DOG’s name was Chip. We used to live right next door from each other, only I didn’t see him that much because they never let me out of the house. But I could HEAR him alright. Humans call it “yapping” but I could clearly make out the words through his accent, had no trouble at all with it. He would say things like……

“Wow! Another cookie??? (and not a silly dog brand either, a real COOKIE, the kind humans reserve for themselves and would never think of sharing with anyone else, let alone a DOG). Thanks, Mom……you’re the BEST! You’re the BEST!”

And then he would say….

“Here comes Randy! Here comes Randy! I think he’s got a treat! I think he’s got a treat!” (Why he oftentimes repeated everything twice, I’ll never understand. It could have been due to his very excitable nature). After three long years, I finally figured out who this mystery cat “Randy” was. The MAILMAN, of all people. He never brought anything for ME! Not a single mouse!

But more often than not, he’d say……

“I’m so happy to see you, happy to see you! Whatcha got, whatcha got? I don’t care, I’m just so happy to see you!”

I think you know by now, this Chip kid was the HAPPIEST dog in the world. He had the BEST human EVER! If I was a dog, which I’m not, and never hope to be, nor do I aspire to be anything of the kind, it would be an honor and a privilege, to be accepted into Susan’s household, with or without all the extra cookies. She would center her WHOLE WORLD around me, not like SOME people, whose names I won’t mention, MICHAEL. (It’s not like you give me anything significant off your plate while I stare into your beautiful blues with my own. But, be that as it may, you’re still an alright guy, even if you do torment me by calling my name a thousand times like an imbecile. Is it any wonder I don’t give you the time of day? Not that I care to know what the stupid clock face says. You only need to know suppertime and nap time, that’s it. And those two happen several times throughout the day and not necessarily in any kind of order.  For instance, you might supper and then supper again, or nap nap, supper, nap, supper nap nap, whichever and whenever you prefer. Sounds confusing but there’s really no great mystery).

Anyhow, this isn’t about me. Susan is heartbroken right now because Chip left suddenly last night. He was in a hurry to see his relatives (whom he had never met) after hearing about them for so many years. What Sue doesn’t know is that, right about now, his grandad is showing him how to fix cars and will let him drive (without so much as taking a single lesson, I dunno, he just knows HOW all of a sudden) . They’re going to see his aunt, who loves to party, and his grandma who has a thousand stories about Susan he’s never heard before. Like the one about Susan looking exactly the same way coming out of the bathroom, to get all spiffed up, as she did going in! But Chip says he wouldn’t have it any other way. Why change perfection?

He says he misses you, but for Pete’s sake (who’s Pete?) stop crying! He’s having too much fun to worry about that now. It’s okay to be sad, but he’ll see you later. He really is a lucky dog. I have to live nine lives before I get to drive! For now, they shove me in the back compartment where I can’t even be near the controls, let alone see where we’re going! How do they expect me to learn anything? How will I find my way to Heaven? Chip says to follow the cookie crumbs. I don’t know. Sounds too Hansel and Gretelish to me. I don’t want to end up at the witch’s house.

Another route is to follow the paw prints. There are two sets , one of them is human with a kind of glow around them. They belong to the “Good Shepherd”. I hear he’s a really nice guy. He must be to be with all those stinky sheep. I think I can convince him to be more of a cat person…….when the time comes.  I’ve got eight more lives to go. God, I hope the next one’s better than this. I can’t even see out the window. The ledge is too skinny and they won’t leave the door open! What’s wrong with them anyway? Even Chip got to go outside. I wish I was a bird. Not the one I ate the other day, though.  Tell him I said, “Hi”. I’m not sorry. It was the most fun I had in a long time and anyway, he got to go to a good place. Is he driving yet?

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

Tyler Talks Spa Day

June 15th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

tyler

Hi, it’s me! Tyler, who else! What a harrowing experience I’ve had. It all began the other day when Clementine (my sister)was scooped up in flash and put in that little box with the handle on top. She was crying! I ran over to help but what could I do? I don’t know the first thing about locksmithing so all I did was scream, “Help! Help! Clementine’s being kitnapped!” No one did a darn thing about it. They swooped her off to who knows where, then they brought her back about an hour later. Whew! What a relief! I asked her where she’d been but she wouldn’t say a word. How very mysterious.

A couple of days later, a variation of the exact same thing happened. Only this time, I wasn’t going to stick around in case they had any ideas about me, no sir. I headed for the cave underneath the bed but was blindsided. Somebody grabbed me! Was I destined for the same fate?

We were both smuggled into the Jeep and driven down some bumpy back road. We cried and cried in vain until I heard a familiar little voice say, “Don’t worry, kids. You’re having a Spa Day.” Oh, yeah? Well, what’s a “Spa”? Unless it’s food, I’m not interested, so get me out of here…..wahhhhh! Okay, so I’m a big baby. You would be too if you were in my shoes, if I had any.

Minutes later (but what seemed like hours) we pull up to a big red barn only there are no cows or horses inside, or even any hay. There are other cats! And no dogs, thank God. And these cats look perfectly fine, like, they’re not stressed out or anything. One of them says, “Don’t worry, buddy, it’s cool”. First, my name’s not “Buddy”, ya got that? And I didn’t come prancing in here of my own volition, so get out of my way. Usually, I’m a pretty nice guy but that kid annoyed the you-know-what out of me.

Then this guy waltzes in and says, “Hey, Tyler” like he’s my best friend in the world, reaches out and has the audacity to touch my fur! I cringed at the very sight of his freckled hand with the little curly hairs on top and backed into a corner but it was no use. He swept me up and started clipping my nails! You fool! How am I supposed to defend myself against the enemy, namely you? But he just kept it up, smiling like a buffoon. Clip! Clip! Clip! Bits of me flew in all directions. I prayed one of them would boomerang and hit him in the forehead – ping! But no such luck.

Then he proceeds to arrange some horrid looking instruments of torture on the table, chooses one, and combs me with it, tugging at the knots I worked for weeks to entangle myself in. Why can’t I have dreadlocks if I want to! It’s no good, he pulls harder – ouch! You $%#@*&^%! I swore. But he pretended not to hear me. I was beaten. Exhausted. He picked up my limp hairless body and stuck me in a cubicle. What, was I supposed to do some computer work now? Not unless they pay me for it! I know my rights. I want twice the salary you pay that mousey faced girl in the reception room who thinks she knows everything.

Then, of all things, Mom walks in and they slap her with a bill! You mean, you have to pay them??? For something I never wanted in the first place??? They got some decent sized fur balls out of all this! She opens her wallet and hands them a little plastic card. Okay, that’s better, she’s not as stupid as I thought. She sure fooled them into thinking they got something. Ha! Let them try to chew on that!  C’mon Clem, let’s go home. You wanna drive or shall I?

So……………whadayathink? Spas are so overrated. Wouldn’t you rather keep your toenails until you pull them out with your teeth? Don’t you think knots of fur sticking out in all directions make one appear a lot more distinguished? I’ll admit the little shaved spots are way cooler but it wasn’t worth the stress. Next time I’ll pick up more speed when I dive under the bed. It was that moment’s hesitation.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

Covfefelations! You’ve Done It Again!

May 31st, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

Image result for trump slapping hand to head

By now, everyone has heard of the new word created by none other than the Trumpmeister himself.  Now now, in all fairness, given his limited knowledge of the English language, the word is not only sterling and original, it’s a reflection of unwitting ingenuity. I must say, I’m really rather impressed with the complexity of the word, the sophistication and yet playfulness of it when spoken, and the sheer (stifled laughter) magnitude of its origin. The question remains, however, what in blazes does it mean???

One can only speculate on the message lost in the meandering pathways of the brain in the man so earnestly attempting to express what (?) in the wee hours of Trumpdom. But another question just as perplexing eludes…..what is its pronunciation? It is of my personal opinion, and that of the general masses, to be “cov-feh-fee”. While we ponder this, here are some conjectures on its meaning in context:

Vould you like zom cream in your covfefe? (Spoken in your best Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation.)

My hair isn’t quite covfefed today. (This making perfect sense given the state of his coif.)

I was so happy there was covfefe at my inauguration, even if there was some in my hair for a week.

My next dog will be a poodle named Covfefe. Fifi is so passe.

I covfefe I know nothing about politics or anything meaningful.

Damn! I didn’t mean to hit send. That will put a nail in my covfefe for sure!

It’s widely known that sleep deprivation alters the cogs and wheels in the clockworks of the brain. My suggestion therefore, would be to refrain from drinking covfefe before bedtime. If you do, don’t drink and tweet.

So………………whadayathink? Have anything to add to this word of substance? Do you agree with the enormous potential value of the word? Will Starbucks cash in on this? Will von Trump get any sleep tonight or will covfefe rattle around in the coffers of his cranium? Will he brand the word before or after he figures out the definition? Let’s have a go at it, shall we?

Covfefe (cov-feh-fee): a nonsense word caused by a careless mishap at the hands of a blundering fool in the wee hours of twitter world.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

President Wanted: No Experience, No Skills, and No Intelligence Needed

May 22nd, 2017 by Michael Tabor

Image result for donald trump dunce

Yep, that’s the ad the imbecilic, bankrupt, Reality Star responded to – a couple of years ago. And, ½ of America was stupid enough to buy into it and vote in Donald J. Trump.

I hope that after Trump gets impeached and maybe goes to prison afterwards, the people will finally have learned a thing or two.

Here’s sort of a laundry list of what we ought to learn from this atrocity and how we ought to proceed in the future so this doesn’t EVER happen again:

·        Politics is profoundly difficult and complicated.

·        There are at 3 qualifications anyone running for public office should have. Here they are:

  1. Must have experience in politics. One can begin locally in one’s hometown and then build up to state, etc. I think anyone running for POTUS ought to have at least a decade or more of experience as a governor or congressperson.

  2. Since we’re dealing with LAWS, I believe any candidate running for office must have a law degree, a JD – common sense. If you’re not a lawyer, then public life is not an option.

  3. Intelligence – well if you’re a lawyer and you passed the bar, then you’ve demonstrated that you’re smarter than the average person and you probably have a good idea of what the expression “we’re a nation of laws” means.

·        NO MORE celebrities –STOP!!! Arnold was awful, Jesse Ventura was a joke and Reagan, well…another blog. Al Franken seems to be the only competent one of the lot.

·        Just because you’re a “successful” business person (btw, we all know that Trump never was, but…another blog) doesn’t mean that you can transfer those skills and abilities into policy making and public life, etc.

There is more, but this is a start. So. WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? Let the impeachment proceedings commence and let’s get back on track.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

Trump’s Steaks

April 17th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

Image result for trump the dunce

This Trump steak commercial is vintage “scam infomercial”. You know –  a guy reading a bullshit script to you at 2 am. Just think, this silly con man is now our president – lol. The writing of this commercial is soooooo laughable i.e “tremendous”, “greatest”, “nothing better”, “best of the best”,” Trump quality”, and the most hysterical part is when he states, not unlike a 5 year – old, that “…he knows best because steak is his favorite all-time food – lol. Prepare to laugh HARD.

WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? The same imbecilic, disjointed delivery is used when he addresses congress when he’s reading a teleprompter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyONt_ZH_aw

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

Tyler Talks Trip To Mars

March 22nd, 2017 by Michael Tabor

tyler

Hi, everybody! It’s me, Tyler!

I just heard that Orange Cat, I think his real name is Trumpet (you know, the cat that’s always blowing his own horn?) is funding 19.5 billion cans of Fancy Feast to send us to Mars in 2030. Anyone who wants to go will get healthcare for life!

First off, I just want to say, that’s a waste of good quality cat food, even if they do use the flavors I don’t particularly care for. (I’ve been told I can be finicky, whatever that is.) There are a lot of starving cats out there who would be perfectly happy to stay right here on solid ground and eat out of a dish that doesn’t float around. We want our meals on wheels and that means not airborne.

Secondly, this is just a ploy to get his healthcare act approved. Ha!

Thirdly, I heard he doesn’t want to go to Mars himself! Well, why not, Mr. Space Cadet??? It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that a cat with orange hair would be well suited for a red planet.  Just think of all the real estate you can develop. Why, you can even change the name from plain old Mars to “Tremendous” Mars. You wouldn’t have to worry about Saturday Night Live either. I think the reception might be a little too fuzzy. But you can be sure we’ll blast them to you on the next flight because we just can’t wait for your tweets. Are you still eating canaries?

Fourth, you won’t have any concerns about your wires being tapped, it’s a long way off and that Russian cat can join you so you won’t be all by yourself. Oh, that’s right, you’re already all by yourself. Well….see, then you’re used to it!

Yes, Mr. Trumpet, I think we should begin your introduction into the space capsule for your new home office. Let’s call it the West Wing, shall we? What’s that? Some blond kitty is taking up residence there? That’s okay, plenty of room for the lot of you! And let’s not wait until 2030, there’s no time like the present! We know how impatient you can be. So, let’s get started. Counting down….

So…….whadayathink? Does anyone know the name of Orange Cat’s tailor to get him fitted with a space suit? What about the helmet? Does anyone have one big enough? How about using the top of a silo? Still too small? Wouldn’t it be fun to shave off all that orange hair and paste to his face? He would look a little like Rasputin, that other Russian cat. Are Putin and Rasputin related???

This portion has been sponsored by the National Endowment For The Cats. Thank you for your support.

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

Tyler Talks Trump

March 5th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

tyler

Hey, everybody! It’s me, Tyler!

I heard of this orange cat called Trump.  From what I can gather, he sits on top of this guy’s head. But when anyone questions him on it, he yells out “Wrong!” They say he tweets a lot but it must be from all of the birds he’s swallowed. Some say he eats a lot of crow.

He’s pretty chummy with a Russian cat named Putin but he won’t admit it. They think that’s how he weaseled his way into the office. He can’t be too bright because I don’t need anyone’s help to do that! I’m sitting here right now typing on the home office computer.

Anyway, he says he’s a really smart guy! But if he’s so smart why does he have to keep saying it? Wouldn’t we know it by his vocatulary? If everything he does is so “amazing, huge, tremendous, terrific and fantastic”, wouldn’t we know it without him having to tell us all the time??? He needs to pick some words that better describe how his feelings always seem to get hurt. Like “me-ow, me-ow, me-ow”. Those words bear repeating.

What’s all this talk about fake news?  I think Saturday Night Live is a perfectly legitimate source.  And he’s right there impersonating Alec Baldwin. I don’t get it. What’s that? Alec’s impersonating him? They look identical. ”Amazing!” Well, anyway, he has zero sense of humor. There he goes tweeting again. I need a closer inspection to get that canary out of his mouth.

He says he’s the least racist person but then why does he want to build a wall to keep the immigrants out? I have every right to be in this country. I don’t want to be deported to Mexico even if I was born in Texas. It’s all the same to him. And if I do get to stay here I have to pay for the wall because that Mexican cat isn’t paying for it. Orange cat says he’s very, very rich. Why doesn’t he pay for it??? He’s the one with his name on every single building, like we need to be reminded of how great he thinks he is. It’s not even his real name. It’s “Drumpf”, like someone who’s just uttered how miserable he feels! He should have kept it, matches the look on his face.

Now he says he’s been wire tapped by the cat that used to be in the office. What’s the big deal? I tap wires all the time and nothing ever happens to me. What a whiner, cry baby. Maybe if he tries tapping some wires himself, he’ll get zapped. He’s not smart enough to know which ones are live.

Personally, I think he’s fat and ugly (and I’m not being rude, he says it all the time and gets away with it). That orange cat has got to go! And take his stupid tweets with him! He needs to be peached right now (even if they’re not in season) and I would crush them a little bit first so they splatter good and messy. No one has the right to be that comfortable perched on top of somebody’s head and swear he isn’t when the truth is staring you right in the face! Knock him off and chase him out of the office once and for all! Crazy Orange Cat! Make America Calico Again!

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

Chicken Dinner

August 2nd, 2014 by Magdalena Tabor

Who doesn’t love chicken dinner? Why, it’s made a thousand different ways……..grilled, sauteed, baked, fried, roasted, raw…….Raw??? chicken dinnerThe human animal isn’t the only one fond of this delectable dish. Take for instance our neighbors, the bears…….or was it the coyotes? The little hen house (aka the maternity ward) which housed mama hen and her three adolescent chicks, were all safely ensconced, apart from their rivals in the barn….or so they thought.
One Saturday morning several weeks ago, what awaited was appalling beyond description! The little green hen house was torn asunder with no sign of mama or chicks, only remnants of their sad little lives. Feathers and ( dare I say it for the faint of heart? ) chicken heads were all that was left of them! And the chicken wire fence around the vegetable garden was squashed FLAT. This was a job for our inside investigating team.
A quick jaunt up the mountain behind the house revealed several exposures taken at 10 pm by the automatic camera lens. It was just as we had suspected. Two out of three pictures were of bear cubs and the other was of a deer. Well, one thing was for certain. It wasn’t Bambi licking his chops with the toothpick in his mouth.
However, so as not to jump to any wrong conclusions, what about that pile of coyote crap left on the doorstep last week? (What a thoughtful welcome). Everyone knows they hunt in packs and could have dismantled the hen house quicker than the barn dance going on inside at the dim prospect of being eaten alive. Yeah…but there’s still the garden fence that was stomped on by paws bigger than Charlie Brown’s head.
This clinches it. No court of law could circumvent the evidence. Cousin Lisa was driving up the road just the other day. And what do you think crossed her path from the river side of the road towards the house in broad radiant sunlight? Why, it was little baby bear! On his merry meandering way to the barn to take a sniff around and see if there might not be some leftovers. Oh, never mind the BBQ sauce and baked potato. I’ll take mine as is, he was heard to say in passing.

So……….whadayathink? How do you prefer your chicken dinner? With or without bones? Are you fussy about a few fluffy tail feathers on the side? Would you prefer a wing or a leg? It’s okay. We can always grill it.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

Tyler Talks One Year Anniversary

July 4th, 2014 by Magdalena Tabor

Hey! It’s me, Tyler! I am now an official NY State resident, having reached my one year anniversary and I couldn’t be happier. Oh sure, tylerSnowshoe still kicks my butt every now and again but I’ve learned to read his body language, and believe me, there are some choice words in there! The difference is, I no longer care. I just make a fuss so the Beans will yell at him and lavish me with the attention I so deserve. Five minutes later, I sprawl defiantly in front of Alpha male daring him to do it again. Invariably he does, much to my bitter dismay but more often than not, the old man just falls asleep. He’s not as tough as he pretends to be. His whiskers are old and his underwear is older. Oh. I’ve just been informed he isn’t wearing any. I don’t know what to make of that so I’ll just leave it alone.
Clementine still spurns my advances. All I want to do is pat her head and say, “It’s okay, my lovely little snicky snack.” But I guess I just don’t possess the eloquence of de Bergerac and therefore all she can see is my big nose. I just want to sniff her a little and say’ “My, what’s that perfume you’re wearing? Essence of organic catnip?” She just spits at me like I’ve just uttered the most ridiculous thing. What’s a guy to do?
I have grown increasingly fond of the Beans and seek their presence at all times. They smile at me adoringly and say things like, “Isn’t he cute????” That’s a rhetorical question and yet it’s always answered with such enthusiastic conviction. It just melts my heart when Lady Bean comes home from wherever she’s been all day and makes the biggest fuss when she sees me. I get so happy I claw at the rug and she just laughs. I think she’s genuinely glad to see me although she acts the same way with the other kids and then I don’t feel so special anymore. I think she still likes me best and just doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of the others.
Bean Daddy’s birthday is the 4th and I’m throwing him a surprise party. The surprise is to snub him when I see him. I think I’ll throw myself a party instead to celebrate my year long vacation in NY. Here’s the invite:
Come one, come all, to Tyler’s ball and bring me lots of presents. And if you come with nothing at all, you’ll be turned away at the door and never so much as looked at sideways and wish you never were born and shipped to that god awful place called Nacogdoches, Texas!

So…………….whadayathink? Are you as pleased as I am about my one year anniversary? I accept gifts of all kinds. Did I mention to bring me something nice? I especially favor live mice (not the fake kind you buy at the supermarket) and creepy crawly things of which there are a lot more to be found in Texas.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01

When Marty Was Great !!!

May 23rd, 2014 by Michael Tabor

How many mob/bad – guy movies can you watch before you say “enough – already !!!”goodfellaslook

When I was a kid (I actually appreciated the film more as an adult, when I was able to understand everything) my favorite mafia movie of all time was ‘The Godfather’, directed by Francis Ford Coppola in 1972. I was shocked beyond belief when the sequel, The Godfather Part II released 2 years later was actually (not by much, but still …) better !!! Al Pacino portraying the formerly sweet & nice guy who wanted nothing to do with the family (well, we knew it was coming at the end of Godfather I) and turned into the surprisingly, most – vicious – Machiavellian don one can imagine (another blog).

Anyway, I just recently watched ‘Good Fellas’ and it brought back memories of  how GREAT that movie was. Wow !!! This film, ‘Good Fellas’ was made 24 years ago in 1990 and I can’t even begin to describe how powerful & how well this move has stood the test of time. Unlike the ‘Godfathers’ I & II (btw, Godfather III was a dog and perhaps one of the worst movies ever made) Good Fellas really sort of made you feel like you were right there with the BAD guys and what made it so intriguing was that it was so different from ‘The Godfather’. This film invited you to vicariously live the life of the “soldier” lifestyle of the Cosa Nostra. The Godfather’ films tried, and obviously succeeded, in portraying the mob as simply corporate America in which killing other human beings was just an occupational hazard.

I’m not going to elaborate too much, because I think everyone has seen the aforementioned films, but allow me to go back to memory lane and throw up some of my favorite ‘Good Fellas’ scenes.

·        If you see someone who looks like this and is looking at you this way, you probably don’t have much longer to live    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmF_Phk6eIE

·        This is great dark comedy here …. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeL8EYtbVw0

·        And of course, the – “ are you amusing me scene” is perhaps one of the greatest scenes in all of  cinema    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aC5al-btIEw

So WhaDaYaThink ? What do you think ? Martin Scorsese has made some unspeakably great movies e.g. ‘Raging Bull’, ‘Taxi Driver’, ‘Cape Fear’, ‘The Aviator’, ‘The King of Comedy’ … & more, but the last few films have been major bombs. Is Marty done ???

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
line01