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Tyler Talks Spa Day

June 15th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

tyler

Hi, it’s me! Tyler, who else! What a harrowing experience I’ve had. It all began the other day when Clementine (my sister)was scooped up in flash and put in that little box with the handle on top. She was crying! I ran over to help but what could I do? I don’t know the first thing about locksmithing so all I did was scream, “Help! Help! Clementine’s being kitnapped!” No one did a darn thing about it. They swooped her off to who knows where, then they brought her back about an hour later. Whew! What a relief! I asked her where she’d been but she wouldn’t say a word. How very mysterious.

A couple of days later, a variation of the exact same thing happened. Only this time, I wasn’t going to stick around in case they had any ideas about me, no sir. I headed for the cave underneath the bed but was blindsided. Somebody grabbed me! Was I destined for the same fate?

We were both smuggled into the Jeep and driven down some bumpy back road. We cried and cried in vain until I heard a familiar little voice say, “Don’t worry, kids. You’re having a Spa Day.” Oh, yeah? Well, what’s a “Spa”? Unless it’s food, I’m not interested, so get me out of here…..wahhhhh! Okay, so I’m a big baby. You would be too if you were in my shoes, if I had any.

Minutes later (but what seemed like hours) we pull up to a big red barn only there are no cows or horses inside, or even any hay. There are other cats! And no dogs, thank God. And these cats look perfectly fine, like, they’re not stressed out or anything. One of them says, “Don’t worry, buddy, it’s cool”. First, my name’s not “Buddy”, ya got that? And I didn’t come prancing in here of my own volition, so get out of my way. Usually, I’m a pretty nice guy but that kid annoyed the you-know-what out of me.

Then this guy waltzes in and says, “Hey, Tyler” like he’s my best friend in the world, reaches out and has the audacity to touch my fur! I cringed at the very sight of his freckled hand with the little curly hairs on top and backed into a corner but it was no use. He swept me up and started clipping my nails! You fool! How am I supposed to defend myself against the enemy, namely you? But he just kept it up, smiling like a buffoon. Clip! Clip! Clip! Bits of me flew in all directions. I prayed one of them would boomerang and hit him in the forehead – ping! But no such luck.

Then he proceeds to arrange some horrid looking instruments of torture on the table, chooses one, and combs me with it, tugging at the knots I worked for weeks to entangle myself in. Why can’t I have dreadlocks if I want to! It’s no good, he pulls harder – ouch! You $%#@*&^%! I swore. But he pretended not to hear me. I was beaten. Exhausted. He picked up my limp hairless body and stuck me in a cubicle. What, was I supposed to do some computer work now? Not unless they pay me for it! I know my rights. I want twice the salary you pay that mousey faced girl in the reception room who thinks she knows everything.

Then, of all things, Mom walks in and they slap her with a bill! You mean, you have to pay them??? For something I never wanted in the first place??? They got some decent sized fur balls out of all this! She opens her wallet and hands them a little plastic card. Okay, that’s better, she’s not as stupid as I thought. She sure fooled them into thinking they got something. Ha! Let them try to chew on that!  C’mon Clem, let’s go home. You wanna drive or shall I?

So……………whadayathink? Spas are so overrated. Wouldn’t you rather keep your toenails until you pull them out with your teeth? Don’t you think knots of fur sticking out in all directions make one appear a lot more distinguished? I’ll admit the little shaved spots are way cooler but it wasn’t worth the stress. Next time I’ll pick up more speed when I dive under the bed. It was that moment’s hesitation.

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Tyler Talks Pampered Pets

May 21st, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

tyler

Hi, it’s me again. Tyler! I want to talk about how silly human beings are, in case no one’s noticed and I haven’t mentioned it before. They think bowing to our every little need will buy them more love and respect. Ha!

Take for instance, “Petco” or “Pet Smart” (like they need to advertise how smart we are). It used to be you’d go to the local supermarket and get a dopey little toy with the bit of catnip and the annoying tinkling bell. Humans would throw it into their shopping cart as a last minute gesture to make us think they were sooooooooooo thoughtful. But the minute they threw it into our faces when they got home, we knew better. We’d give it a little poke, then turn our tail up and walk the other way. Look, it wasn’t quality, okay?  They just don’t grow catnip there like they do here.

The beans grew desperate for attention. So they created these huge conglomerates , pet this and pet that, and come on in with your pooches with smooches and buy the place up. Let’s get something straight. For thousands of years, long before the dawn of man, cats have been eating off the forest floor. We don’t need a fancy metal tray designed to prop two identical dishes at exactly three and a quarter inches under our chins. (Do we have have chins? Or is that distinction only given to humans? This requires more investigation.)

What about “cat trees”? Give me a break! Plushly carpeted stairs haphazardly placed with a little cubby hole thrown somewhere in between is supposed to take the place of the maple outside the window with the bird’s nest in it? “Here, Whiskers! Isn’t it great!” Try giving your cat a respectable name, Fatso.

Let’s talk flea collar, like we need it if you don’t let us out. What? Oh, just in case we get out? (The brilliancy of preventive medicine at its finest). If you’d let us out we wouldn’t need the litter box you can’t stand cleaning, blockhead! (Sorry for the expletive.) You have taken away our inalienable right to poop wherever we please, like that perfect little patch between the petunias and the “ impatience” (and so aptly named too).  Listen, when your toilet stops up, stop complaining and try using the litter box for once. See how you like it. It’s not my fault you get irritated when the little granules get stuck to the bottom of your feet when we track it all over the floor. What are we supposed to do, wipe our feet? Oh, now they have these ingenious rubber mats that are supposed to trap the little buggers on the spot. Don’t you dare buy one of those! I’d much rather have you spend your “hard earned money” on that silly little stuffed toy with the tweeting sound. I promise I’ll poke it more than once if it’ll make you happy.

And what about the poor dogs? Not that I care that much, but really, how humiliating for them to have their dopey little heads poking out of a canvas mesh bag while the beans carry them around shopping for collars with rhino stones (I think that’s what they call them).

Pampered Pets, indeed! If there’s anyone being pampered it’s the beans themselves, especially the sharecroppers (not sure of the word)of the huge corporations cashing in on all this. What? Where are you going? You mean the big one in Orange Plaza? Don’t forget to bring me back that toy, you know, the red one with the stripes on its belly and the feather with the bell. Sorry about the interruption, folks, had to attend to some urgent business matter.

So…………….whadayathink? Can you live without the luxury of a back roll on an imported oriental rug? Wouldn’t you much rather romp in the meadow catching butterflies? They call them that because they’re so slippery! But not as slippery as humans, watch out for those!

 

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The Agony in The Garden

April 14th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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Without question, my favorite Bible moment in the Gospels is when Jesus is in The Garden of Gethsemane. I thought this scene (Though the movie ‘Passion…”as a whole failed i.e. too much emphasis on the gratuitous violence visuals – like 90% of the film) was absolutely beautifully, powerfully, and poignantly depicted.  This is the Jesus I hold near and dear to my heart because you see and viscerally feel the HUMAN Jesus – scared, confused, and uncertain – like us, mere mortals. I’m moved more by the human (perhaps even flawed) side not the supernatural stuff i.e. miracles, etc.

So WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? My second favorite moment is when Jesus is dying on the cross and he says “My Father, My Father, why have you forsaken me?”

Here’s a clip…the soundtrack makes it ever so awesome. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsHH0HYgmSs

 

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Nobody Came Close to Mike

April 4th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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Before the Buster Douglas loss, nobody in the history of boxing was ever so dominant than Mike Tyson. He had it all – devastating power, speed, finesse…. In my opinion Evander Hollyfield would never have gotten past the 2nd round in Mike’s prime. Too bad he threw it away.

But P.S.- Mike Tyson is now a gentle, soft-spoken, self-deprecating vegan. See – everyone can change!!!

 

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Breath of Life

March 22nd, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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I am a “Nervous Nellie.” That’s just the way I’m made. I worry about everything and my natural state is not that of being loose and relaxed, but rather tense and anxious.  The best way to combat stress and anxiety is through breathing exercises. Trust me – it works, but you have to practice several times a day AND most importantly stick with it. It’s going to take time to retrain your body.

One of the most popular breathing exercises is the 4 fours. Which is simply: Breathe in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breathe out for a count of 4. And repeat 4 times. The problem is everyone is different and everybody has different breathing patterns and rhythms, so you’re going to have to work it out for yourself – what works for you. I personally – inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 6, and breathe out for a count of 6 and then repeat. I do this for as long as I need to, in order to get relaxed.

Good Luck! So WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? Keep practicing and stay calm. As Bob Marley says, “Be Happy.”

P.S. – I just now wrapped up a breathing session. So, this is what I actually do: inhale through my nose for 4, hold for 6, exhale through my mouth for 6, then pause or breath naturally for 2. Repeat. I feel like a new man! Another thing to keep in mind, is it’s all about gaining control of your physiology; make sure your breathing is smooth, slow, and not choppy.

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Solipsism – Is it Possible?

March 20th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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Much to my wife’s dismay (just the idea itself is terrifying to her), I talk a lot about this very interesting philosophical concept -SOLIPSISM – philosophy.The theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist. Just think about that for a moment or two. Just imagine that YOU are the only person/thing (whatever you want to call the self) that exists in the entire universe. Let me expound a bit, just think of YOU -YOURSELF. Now imagine that everything you see, feel, hear, touch, smell is your world and if solipsism is true, it’s the whole world too. There are no other people, things,animals, etc. just YOU and your magnificent brain creating this world. Your wife isn’t an other, it’s your brain creating a world in itself. Fascinating philosophy, but definitely creepy. Enjoy – hey you’re truly the only entity that exists.

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People are fucken Stupid !!!

March 19th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

Image result for bulliesImage result for bullies

I usually don’t use profanity, but I am so frustrated and exhausted trying to educate and change the minds of all those backward, regressive, imbecilic, racist, hateful, right-wing conservative assholes on my Facebook page. I’ve made the decision to remove myself from Facebook altogether. All the people from Bloomingdale and Butler NJ, including my 5 siblings are hopeless cases. Just accept it – you can’t change them; their synapses are firmly connected and entrenched.

I’ve readdressed and challenged all the bullies who ruined my life as a child. I also revisited and talked about my high school wrestling coach who, though he never physically touched me, nevertheless tormented me to no end. He abused me. He left a permanent scar. Yes, there doesn’t have to be penetration for someone to be engaged in pederasty. Disgraceful! I discovered later that that pervert went on to become the principal of Butler High School. Just imagine that. A pedophile becomes the PRINCIPAL of a school. Sad and pathetic.

Anyway, you’ll be seeing and reading a lot about me here on my own blog and on better, less conservative social media i.e. Twitter and Instagram. So WhaDaYaThink? What do you think?

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Mike At The Movies

March 7th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

Be Here Now

Image result for be here now andy whitfield   Image result for be here now andy whitfield  Image result for be here now andy whitfield

This is a documentary film about an extraordinary man’s struggle with terminal non-Hodgeon’s lymphoma. His name was Andy Whitfield and he was the star of the series ‘Spartacus’. After having achieved all this huge success at first as a male model and then an actor, he was diagnosed with this horrible stage 4 cancer at the age of 39. Andy Whitfield was a beautiful man both outside and inside; when you see the guy, your 1st reaction is “Damn, why do some guys get all the breaks in life ?”. I mean I don’t think you can get a more handsome man with chiseled facial features, stunning blue eyes and a perfect physique – 6-pack and all. And no I am not a gay man but yes even a heterosexual can’t help but admire this Adonis and say to themselves that lucky guy must get all the girls or anyone he wants.

This was an important film for me because of my own personal health issues. I know all the stages and the ups and downs, hopes and disappointments, strides and setbacks, the chronic agonizing pain…. Seeing this documentary has inspired me to be a better person, to only hope to be ½ the man Andy Whitfield was in every respect. In this film you see what a great husband he was, a father- so kind, loving and nurturing. Andy was as brave and courageous as a man can be and he never gave up hope right to the end. Not to mention his extraordinary intelligence, wit and charm. Watching this and seeing him fight through the chemo, radiation and alternative treatments I kept saying to myself – please God don’t let him die – please save him but it was not meant to be (spoiler alert – sorry)

The one scene that really tore my heart out was when Andy got the terrible news that after dozens of rounds of chemotherapy he wasn’t going to make it. Hearing the news, Andy didn’t cry or get angry, he just sat silent and then turned to his incredibly loyal and loving wife and said I LOVE YOU! Please see this movie – you can stream it off Netflix. It truly is a story about courage, love, resilience and everything that is beautiful in life. This life truly is a gift and Andy Whitfield has shown me in this film how to better spend the rest of my life, how to be a more loving person, to have more gratitude, and when the time comes to die like a man. RIP Andy Whitfield and as he said to his 2 beautiful children at the end – my body is broken like a butterfly with broken wings but I’ll always be with you – always.

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God and Psychedelics

March 7th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

I’m reading “The Psychedelic Gospels” by Jerry and Julie Brown. The case they present is the ONLY way to understand and experience God (make any sense of it all) is to ingest psychedelics (like Aldous Huxley did). Check this out:Gordon Wasson (1898-1986) took some sort of psychedelic mushroom and had a soul-shattering religious experience – ecstasy. he writes”…it permits you to see, more clearly than our perishing mortal eye can see, vistas beyond the horizons of this life, to travel backward and forward in time, to enter other planes of existence, even (as the Indians say) to KNOW GOD.” Though I’ve never personally experimented with psychedelics, this does make it absolutely enticing and compels you to think that YES there maybe a God.

Now the optimist in me says – yes this is real ! The theory is that God made mushrooms (so its natural) man ingests them, the pineal gland is activated and it allows man to get on the same “wavelength” so to speak to actually relate to God. Now the skeptic side of me is that this is all bullshit – you’re on a drug and your brain is firing abnormally or whatever. I don’t know, but I find it fascinating nevertheless. BTW, if you ever visit the Vatican, check out all the sculptured pine cones symbolizing the pineal gland which as I said is what’s affected when ingesting mushrooms. so, Whadayathink ? What do you think ?

 Image result for psychedelics and god
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Sound the Trumpets!

January 22nd, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

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I’ve had a bad dream. No, wait, a nightmare.  I haven’t mentioned it before because I was hoping it would all go away by itself. Aside from the occasional snide remark, I’ve mostly remained silent on the subject. Much like a turtle inside its shell hiding from the world and wondering if I get to live another year toward what’s supposed to be my final chapter in which I write my own glorious ending as I plan for my retirement. Only someone has swiped my pen and I’m staring at a blank piece of paper. And the only thing that comes to mind now is “The End”.

But the recent protests and marches prove that millions of us are having the same nightmare we can’t wake up from. And that’s even scarier. Yes, I AM AFRAID. Or was. This culmination of like minded people taking to the streets has given me heart. There’s something rising up in my chest that feels a little bit exhilarating. It feels like……HOPE!

Still I can’t help wondering, how did it ever get to this point? Oh sure, I understand we all want change. But what KIND of change are we looking for? Are we so desperate we would choose an inexperienced, narcissistic, bigoted, 2 year old in the guise of a madman who disparages women and mimics those less fortunate? (No, wait, there’s no guise here, he’s not that clever.) I could go on with a list of very unflattering adjectives, all of which would suit and still fall short of a full description of the man chosen to fill the most important job in the world. A man so disgustingly full of himself, he would dare make jokes in front of the sacred CIA Memorial Wall of Agency Heroes. Now I’m not as afraid as I am ANGRY.

This person (I cringe at calling him a man) has no business taking up residence in the White House(!),  the home of our forefathers , the prestigious place of all of the great men and women (wait, we’re getting there) who built this country with integrity and honesty.  This person doesn’t even comprehend the meaning of these words yet he not only dares place his hand upon a bible, but it’s the same bible President Abraham Lincoln used at his inauguration. Was that supposed to tell us they’re on the same level????  Believe me, for him, it wasn’t so much of a swearing in as it was a swearing at. And before I say too much and go on a rant, let me just say this……..I find the mere mention of his name so vile and repugnant,  the only reference I’ll make to it is to say, sort of rhymes with strumpet, (and that’s not a bad analogy), so……….

SOUND THE TRUMPETS!!!

Will someone, anyone please, assume executive power that has half a brain and half a heart?

I’ve no doubt that this show of unity in recent days will make a difference. So take heart. Have HOPE. To quote Miss Emily Dickinson, “Hope is the thing with feathers with that perches in the soul….” I think the thing with feathers is perched on the top of his head, what do you think? Let’s have a tug at it, shall we?

 

 

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