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Tyler Talks Pet Heaven

July 4th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

tyler

 

Hi, it’s me. Tyler! Let’s get one thing straight, okay? There’s no such thing as “Pet Heaven”. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute….. don’t get all bent out of shape, let me finish! The guy that made up this so called “Pet Heaven” knew nothing about us. There’s only one Heaven, and that’s right there, up in your face, licks and slurps, with humans! They can’t get rid of us that easy (not that they really want to), we’re there romping and frolicking right alongside, and we don’t even have to go to PETCO to get all the goodies. Heaven is Petco, only you don’t have to pay for anything. And you don’t have to work at being cute!

I want to talk about a very special dog. That’s right, a DOG! Any of you cats have trouble with that, you just pay me a visit at about 3:00 after my nap, and if I don’t answer I’m still napping. As I was saying, this DOG’s name was Chip. We used to live right next door from each other, only I didn’t see him that much because they never let me out of the house. But I could HEAR him alright. Humans call it “yapping” but I could clearly make out the words through his accent, had no trouble at all with it. He would say things like……

“Wow! Another cookie??? (and not a silly dog brand either, a real COOKIE, the kind humans reserve for themselves and would never think of sharing with anyone else, let alone a DOG). Thanks, Mom……you’re the BEST! You’re the BEST!”

And then he would say….

“Here comes Randy! Here comes Randy! I think he’s got a treat! I think he’s got a treat!” (Why he oftentimes repeated everything twice, I’ll never understand. It could have been due to his very excitable nature). After three long years, I finally figured out who this mystery cat “Randy” was. The MAILMAN, of all people. He never brought anything for ME! Not a single mouse!

But more often than not, he’d say……

“I’m so happy to see you, happy to see you! Whatcha got, whatcha got? I don’t care, I’m just so happy to see you!”

I think you know by now, this Chip kid was the HAPPIEST dog in the world. He had the BEST human EVER! If I was a dog, which I’m not, and never hope to be, nor do I aspire to be anything of the kind, it would be an honor and a privilege, to be accepted into Susan’s household, with or without all the extra cookies. She would center her WHOLE WORLD around me, not like SOME people, whose names I won’t mention, MICHAEL. (It’s not like you give me anything significant off your plate while I stare into your beautiful blues with my own. But, be that as it may, you’re still an alright guy, even if you do torment me by calling my name a thousand times like an imbecile. Is it any wonder I don’t give you the time of day? Not that I care to know what the stupid clock face says. You only need to know suppertime and nap time, that’s it. And those two happen several times throughout the day and not necessarily in any kind of order.  For instance, you might supper and then supper again, or nap nap, supper, nap, supper nap nap, whichever and whenever you prefer. Sounds confusing but there’s really no great mystery).

Anyhow, this isn’t about me. Susan is heartbroken right now because Chip left suddenly last night. He was in a hurry to see his relatives (whom he had never met) after hearing about them for so many years. What Sue doesn’t know is that, right about now, his grandad is showing him how to fix cars and will let him drive (without so much as taking a single lesson, I dunno, he just knows HOW all of a sudden) . They’re going to see his aunt, who loves to party, and his grandma who has a thousand stories about Susan he’s never heard before. Like the one about Susan looking exactly the same way coming out of the bathroom, to get all spiffed up, as she did going in! But Chip says he wouldn’t have it any other way. Why change perfection?

He says he misses you, but for Pete’s sake (who’s Pete?) stop crying! He’s having too much fun to worry about that now. It’s okay to be sad, but he’ll see you later. He really is a lucky dog. I have to live nine lives before I get to drive! For now, they shove me in the back compartment where I can’t even be near the controls, let alone see where we’re going! How do they expect me to learn anything? How will I find my way to Heaven? Chip says to follow the cookie crumbs. I don’t know. Sounds too Hansel and Gretelish to me. I don’t want to end up at the witch’s house.

Another route is to follow the paw prints. There are two sets , one of them is human with a kind of glow around them. They belong to the “Good Shepherd”. I hear he’s a really nice guy. He must be to be with all those stinky sheep. I think I can convince him to be more of a cat person…….when the time comes.  I’ve got eight more lives to go. God, I hope the next one’s better than this. I can’t even see out the window. The ledge is too skinny and they won’t leave the door open! What’s wrong with them anyway? Even Chip got to go outside. I wish I was a bird. Not the one I ate the other day, though.  Tell him I said, “Hi”. I’m not sorry. It was the most fun I had in a long time and anyway, he got to go to a good place. Is he driving yet?

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