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Tyler Talks Spa Day

June 15th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

tyler

Hi, it’s me! Tyler, who else! What a harrowing experience I’ve had. It all began the other day when Clementine (my sister)was scooped up in flash and put in that little box with the handle on top. She was crying! I ran over to help but what could I do? I don’t know the first thing about locksmithing so all I did was scream, “Help! Help! Clementine’s being kitnapped!” No one did a darn thing about it. They swooped her off to who knows where, then they brought her back about an hour later. Whew! What a relief! I asked her where she’d been but she wouldn’t say a word. How very mysterious.

A couple of days later, a variation of the exact same thing happened. Only this time, I wasn’t going to stick around in case they had any ideas about me, no sir. I headed for the cave underneath the bed but was blindsided. Somebody grabbed me! Was I destined for the same fate?

We were both smuggled into the Jeep and driven down some bumpy back road. We cried and cried in vain until I heard a familiar little voice say, “Don’t worry, kids. You’re having a Spa Day.” Oh, yeah? Well, what’s a “Spa”? Unless it’s food, I’m not interested, so get me out of here…..wahhhhh! Okay, so I’m a big baby. You would be too if you were in my shoes, if I had any.

Minutes later (but what seemed like hours) we pull up to a big red barn only there are no cows or horses inside, or even any hay. There are other cats! And no dogs, thank God. And these cats look perfectly fine, like, they’re not stressed out or anything. One of them says, “Don’t worry, buddy, it’s cool”. First, my name’s not “Buddy”, ya got that? And I didn’t come prancing in here of my own volition, so get out of my way. Usually, I’m a pretty nice guy but that kid annoyed the you-know-what out of me.

Then this guy waltzes in and says, “Hey, Tyler” like he’s my best friend in the world, reaches out and has the audacity to touch my fur! I cringed at the very sight of his freckled hand with the little curly hairs on top and backed into a corner but it was no use. He swept me up and started clipping my nails! You fool! How am I supposed to defend myself against the enemy, namely you? But he just kept it up, smiling like a buffoon. Clip! Clip! Clip! Bits of me flew in all directions. I prayed one of them would boomerang and hit him in the forehead – ping! But no such luck.

Then he proceeds to arrange some horrid looking instruments of torture on the table, chooses one, and combs me with it, tugging at the knots I worked for weeks to entangle myself in. Why can’t I have dreadlocks if I want to! It’s no good, he pulls harder – ouch! You $%#@*&^%! I swore. But he pretended not to hear me. I was beaten. Exhausted. He picked up my limp hairless body and stuck me in a cubicle. What, was I supposed to do some computer work now? Not unless they pay me for it! I know my rights. I want twice the salary you pay that mousey faced girl in the reception room who thinks she knows everything.

Then, of all things, Mom walks in and they slap her with a bill! You mean, you have to pay them??? For something I never wanted in the first place??? They got some decent sized fur balls out of all this! She opens her wallet and hands them a little plastic card. Okay, that’s better, she’s not as stupid as I thought. She sure fooled them into thinking they got something. Ha! Let them try to chew on that!  C’mon Clem, let’s go home. You wanna drive or shall I?

So……………whadayathink? Spas are so overrated. Wouldn’t you rather keep your toenails until you pull them out with your teeth? Don’t you think knots of fur sticking out in all directions make one appear a lot more distinguished? I’ll admit the little shaved spots are way cooler but it wasn’t worth the stress. Next time I’ll pick up more speed when I dive under the bed. It was that moment’s hesitation.

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