Tyler Talks Pampered Pets

May 21st, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor


Hi, it’s me again. Tyler! I want to talk about how silly human beings are, in case no one’s noticed and I haven’t mentioned it before. They think bowing to our every little need will buy them more love and respect. Ha!

Take for instance, “Petco” or “Pet Smart” (like they need to advertise how smart we are). It used to be you’d go to the local supermarket and get a dopey little toy with the bit of catnip and the annoying tinkling bell. Humans would throw it into their shopping cart as a last minute gesture to make us think they were sooooooooooo thoughtful. But the minute they threw it into our faces when they got home, we knew better. We’d give it a little poke, then turn our tail up and walk the other way. Look, it wasn’t quality, okay?  They just don’t grow catnip there like they do here.

The beans grew desperate for attention. So they created these huge conglomerates , pet this and pet that, and come on in with your pooches with smooches and buy the place up. Let’s get something straight. For thousands of years, long before the dawn of man, cats have been eating off the forest floor. We don’t need a fancy metal tray designed to prop two identical dishes at exactly three and a quarter inches under our chins. (Do we have have chins? Or is that distinction only given to humans? This requires more investigation.)

What about “cat trees”? Give me a break! Plushly carpeted stairs haphazardly placed with a little cubby hole thrown somewhere in between is supposed to take the place of the maple outside the window with the bird’s nest in it? “Here, Whiskers! Isn’t it great!” Try giving your cat a respectable name, Fatso.

Let’s talk flea collar, like we need it if you don’t let us out. What? Oh, just in case we get out? (The brilliancy of preventive medicine at its finest). If you’d let us out we wouldn’t need the litter box you can’t stand cleaning, blockhead! (Sorry for the expletive.) You have taken away our inalienable right to poop wherever we please, like that perfect little patch between the petunias and the “ impatience” (and so aptly named too).  Listen, when your toilet stops up, stop complaining and try using the litter box for once. See how you like it. It’s not my fault you get irritated when the little granules get stuck to the bottom of your feet when we track it all over the floor. What are we supposed to do, wipe our feet? Oh, now they have these ingenious rubber mats that are supposed to trap the little buggers on the spot. Don’t you dare buy one of those! I’d much rather have you spend your “hard earned money” on that silly little stuffed toy with the tweeting sound. I promise I’ll poke it more than once if it’ll make you happy.

And what about the poor dogs? Not that I care that much, but really, how humiliating for them to have their dopey little heads poking out of a canvas mesh bag while the beans carry them around shopping for collars with rhino stones (I think that’s what they call them).

Pampered Pets, indeed! If there’s anyone being pampered it’s the beans themselves, especially the sharecroppers (not sure of the word)of the huge corporations cashing in on all this. What? Where are you going? You mean the big one in Orange Plaza? Don’t forget to bring me back that toy, you know, the red one with the stripes on its belly and the feather with the bell. Sorry about the interruption, folks, had to attend to some urgent business matter.

So…………….whadayathink? Can you live without the luxury of a back roll on an imported oriental rug? Wouldn’t you much rather romp in the meadow catching butterflies? They call them that because they’re so slippery! But not as slippery as humans, watch out for those!


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