Tyler Talks Animal Planet

May 7th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor


Hi, it’s me! Tyler! I’ll get right into it today, no pussy footing around.

Stephen Hawk King says if the human species is going to survive they need to colonize another planet in the next 100 years. First he said 1000 years, now it’s 100. This poses a problem right off the bat, this inconsistency with the number of years. After screwing up the earth in more ways than I can count on one paw (and I’m not a Hemingway cat, I only have 5 digits), they can’t even remotely estimate how long they have before they go and pollute another planet. One hundred years, give or take nine hundred. Hit it in the ballpark, okay?

Which brings me to my second point. They can’t even agree on Yankees and Red Sox let alone climate change. When push comes to shove, who gets to go to this pristine paradise and mess it up?

We all know the moon is inhabited by mice, right? There are huge craters dug by monster sized mice nibbling at the moon’s crust (I think it’s Limburger, nice and smelly like a good pair of old sneakers). I’d like to go there!  All cats should be sent to the moon!

There’s only one problem with that. Once all the mice have been eaten, who’s going to open that can of cat food? I propose we send one human along with all the cats to be our slave. Let’s face it. We don’t need a whole human species. One human bean is enough. But what if something happens to that one bean? Like he contracts ring worm from Saturn for instance? One can never be too careful. Okay, two then! Let’s make it two beans. One to open the can, the other to dispose of it. That’s all they can handle anyway. No, wait. We have to be responsible and recycle.  Can we use the same can over and over? If we do, what will be the function of the other bean? Can we get him to groom us? Does he appreciate the quality of a good brush?

As for all of the other animals on earth, let’s make a space age Noah’s Ark and get two of each species and blast them far enough away from the moon. They can all fend for themselves without so-called human intervention (as witnessed on planet Earth). That should satisfy animal advocates and fundamentalists alike.

It’s really sad, though. I’ll miss some things about Earth. All those birds and bugs I swat at and never seem to catch. I really don’t like the taste of mice that much. I’d much rather have a can of Fancy Feet, chicken’s my favorite. Wait! Hawk King said we have one hundred years, right? So I won’t be around anyway! And we won’t need a human to open that can, except for right now! So where’s Michael? Open that can of chicken and you can throw the empty can at Hawk King for all I care.

So……………whadayathink? Should humans venture into space and cause more chaos and corruption? Will they force aliens from their homeland and let Luke Skywalker open a casino? Will Das Trump Tower disappear from the skyline once and for all? And is it really constructed with millions of cans of Fancy Feet? Let’s get him to open a can! An instructional video should do the trick. He does have trouble reading. Is “chicken” too hard a word? Does he know one when he sees one? Do we trust him with this job?

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4 Responses to “Tyler Talks Animal Planet”

  1. KSS Says:

    : ))

  2. le duke de fromage Says:

    Magdalena, Read Tyler’s piece to my cat Gatsby. He agreed with what Tyler says, in fact he told me it would be less than 100 years before mankind left the planet. He said knowing mankind and the way they have evolved he would guarantee that within 6 months of landing on another planet there would be a McDonalds, a pizza shop and at least one Dunkin donuts. He also inferred if there are no mice on said planet mankind would certainly screw up and bring them with along with all the other no need for things..

  3. Magdalena Says:

    Tyler thanks Gatsby for his insightful remarks. However, cats need not fear human intervention on a Cats Only planet. They are well aware humans will screw up wherever they go. Cats are much more in tune to nature and don’t care for Whoppers with or without cheese and pickles. They toast their free range mice on the BBQ without any special sauce and couldn’t be more satisfied. They appreciate the simple things, something humans don’t quite know how to do. No, as Tyler firmly stated, only one or two beans will be allowed to cater to their whims. They will be paid handsomely, in mouse tails. Who could ask for more? Any volunteers?

  4. Tyler Says:

    Hey, Gatsby! The only fast food I like is the blur of my cat dish set in front of me. How fast can a human open a can of tuna is anybody’s guess. They seem kind of sluggish in the morning. They’ll have to improve on their timing if they plan on coming with us. We don’t want any slackers.

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