Tyler Talks Trip To Mars

March 22nd, 2017 by Michael Tabor


Hi, everybody! It’s me, Tyler!

I just heard that Orange Cat, I think his real name is Trumpet (you know, the cat that’s always blowing his own horn?) is funding 19.5 billion cans of Fancy Feast to send us to Mars in 2030. Anyone who wants to go will get healthcare for life!

First off, I just want to say, that’s a waste of good quality cat food, even if they do use the flavors I don’t particularly care for. (I’ve been told I can be finicky, whatever that is.) There are a lot of starving cats out there who would be perfectly happy to stay right here on solid ground and eat out of a dish that doesn’t float around. We want our meals on wheels and that means not airborne.

Secondly, this is just a ploy to get his healthcare act approved. Ha!

Thirdly, I heard he doesn’t want to go to Mars himself! Well, why not, Mr. Space Cadet??? It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that a cat with orange hair would be well suited for a red planet.  Just think of all the real estate you can develop. Why, you can even change the name from plain old Mars to “Tremendous” Mars. You wouldn’t have to worry about Saturday Night Live either. I think the reception might be a little too fuzzy. But you can be sure we’ll blast them to you on the next flight because we just can’t wait for your tweets. Are you still eating canaries?

Fourth, you won’t have any concerns about your wires being tapped, it’s a long way off and that Russian cat can join you so you won’t be all by yourself. Oh, that’s right, you’re already all by yourself. Well….see, then you’re used to it!

Yes, Mr. Trumpet, I think we should begin your introduction into the space capsule for your new home office. Let’s call it the West Wing, shall we? What’s that? Some blond kitty is taking up residence there? That’s okay, plenty of room for the lot of you! And let’s not wait until 2030, there’s no time like the present! We know how impatient you can be. So, let’s get started. Counting down….

So…….whadayathink? Does anyone know the name of Orange Cat’s tailor to get him fitted with a space suit? What about the helmet? Does anyone have one big enough? How about using the top of a silo? Still too small? Wouldn’t it be fun to shave off all that orange hair and paste to his face? He would look a little like Rasputin, that other Russian cat. Are Putin and Rasputin related???

This portion has been sponsored by the National Endowment For The Cats. Thank you for your support.


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