Tyler Talks Santa Claws

December 8th, 2013 by Magdalena Tabor

There’s been a whole lotta talk about this cat named Santa Claws. He sounds like one crazy dude who claws his way up and down chimneys and for what? To leave some tylertrinkets in some smelly old socks hanging by the fire to dry. He must have a foot fetish. They say he has a long white beard so I’m thinking he must be a Persian but why is he hanging out with reindeer??? We cats usually stick to our own kind. Anyway, as long as he’s doling out gifts I thought I may as well jump on the band wagon (or is it a sleigh?) and make a list:

1) New paratroopers gear……I misplaced the original and have not given up hope of escape. If I don’t get one I can grow my nails long enough to try the chimney like Santa. But I think the fireplace may be fake. Darn.

2) A personal chef…….In case I’m doomed to stay here I may as well be fat. Look, the Beans try really hard to provide me with a variety of cat food but it is what it is…..CAT food. For those of us with a sophisticated palate, a personal chef would be just the thing.

3) Some new buddies……The two cats I hang with are not the friendliest of creatures. But I still LOVE Clementine. Can’t stand her spitting at me though. So although she can still stay, that other guy has GOT to go. He thinks he’s Alpha Male. Let’s get another female and give Clem some stiff competition. Then maybe she’ll warm up.

4) Real mice…….Are they kidding me with the fake catnip things? Cats know a real mouse when they see one. They think a mouse is a thing you move around on a desk top. Let’s get REAL.

5) My own room…..I hate sharing space with the whole gang. I want my own room where I can close the door any time I want, instead of THEM closing the door on ME. See how THEY like it.

6) A one way ticket to Spain…..Why Spain? I don’t know. It’s the first place that popped into my head and I think it may be affordable on Besides, it’s warm there. What is it with this cold? I’m a Lone Star cat, remember? Oh, that’s right…..Texas dipped to freezing this week. Spain it is.

7) A personal trainer…….As long as I’m getting fat, I may as well trim some of it. And I don’t want one of those cat “trees”. A real in-home gym or a life time enrollment at Gold’s Gym. This would also come in handy to put that alpha male cat in his place in case he gets to stay.

8) A heating pad……..As long as it’s cold I may as well be comfortable with a temperature controlled heating system built into a cat sized bed. If you can’t get one, Mr. Claws, can I at least have my own fleece blankie?

9) Bunny slippers……There’s just something so cool about a cat dressed in bunny slippers, doncha think?

10) A personal supply of Temptations Cat Treats……It may be for cats but in my opinion, no personal chef could do better.


So……..whadayathink? Some pretty neat suggestions for that Santa Claws cat. Let’s see what he can come up with. Hey, wait a minute! I don’t have any socks to hang up! And that fireplace doesn’t have a  real chimney! Maybe I can find a way to crack open a window. And as long as the window’s open, I won’t need ANYTHING from Santa. I’d have the world at my at my claws! Nah, too cold out there. Scary too. Maybe I can shove a key under the door.

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