Tyler Talks “Vote For Me”

August 15th, 2013 by Magdalena Tabor

The position for NYC Mayor is up for grabs and I’m the cat for the job. It’s no more laughable than that Weiner guy I heard about wanting to assume the post. At first I thought he was one of those dogs. You know, the frankfurter ones but then I found out he’s a Bean. Franks and Beans, I queried? No no no, they said, a Human Bean. But then later they confirmed he really is a dog, so I was right the first time. But the canine club vehemently disputes this and rightfully so, calling him a clown. But I think they must be confusing him with Pee Wee Herman……or maybe not. In any case, the office of mayor is serious business, one of which requires certain qualifications, such as I possess:

Must register with the NYC Finance Board – Check!tyler

File periodic disclosure statements – Check!

Observe CFB limits. Not exactly sure what the anacronym stands for but it must be Cats For Beans. This will be observed but without limitations, after all Hemingway had LOTS of cats – Check!

Comply with NYS Board of Elections campaign financial disclosure requirements – uh, okay – Check!

So you see, I’m your perfect candidate and not just all talk. As NYC Mayor I propose to be your biggest advocate for the homeless, not restricted to cats (and dogs) but Beans as well. The more Beans that have a roof over their heads, the more potential homes there will be for cats (and dogs). In the meantime, since I will not be residing at Gracie Mansion, all of the homeless will be housed there until other accommodations can be had.

As mayor, I will enforce a mandatory two and a half day work week. Monday, Tuesday and a half day on Wednesday for half the NYC population while the other half will work the remaining half day on Wednesday, then Thursday and Friday. There will absolutely be no weekends worked EVER. This will free up more time for the Beans to spend with their pets at home catering to their every whim. Beans working at designated animal shelters and pet friendly businesses such as Petco will receive a tax break. There will be no dress code other than the required brightly colored flea collar.

No one will go hungry. There will be plenty of Fancy Feast to go around by stepping up production of this fine cuisine. What? Beans don’t like Fancy Feast? Nonsense! They’ll never know the difference after 5 star restaurants mix it all up in the entree. Dogs like it too and will be required to accompany their Beans at table at all the finest establishments. There will be no discrimination!

In an effort to spark tourism, the musical production of Cats will play at NYC’s theatre district indefinitely along with The Lion King. And as a nod to the American Girl Place on Fifth Avenue, we will begin construction alongside for American Copy Cat, copying the same concept where folks can bring their felines to dress them up in the latest fashions, get high end salon treatments, and buy lunch at exorbitant prices. Sounds silly? Nothing silly about cashing in on the frivolities of Beans and turning a profit.

There are over 8 million Beans in the City of New York, and countless numbers of cats (and dogs). I know I won’t get all the votes but I am optimistic. Just don’t get dog slobber all over the ballot machines. Some Beans are opposed to it and cats detest it.

So……….whadayathink? I think I can win by personality alone, not to mention my striking good looks. At least that’s what they tell me. When  I look in the mirror I just see another cat. I wish he’d stop staring at me. It’s so rude. But I’ll be amiable. I just might get his vote!

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