Johnny Depp Won’t Dance

May 9th, 2012 by Michael Tabor

So much for hard-hitting investigative journalism, WhaDaWeThink  has decided to write up a super light piece that I think we can all agree upon. Women are natural dancers and men have to work at it; I don’t think there is a single female who doesn’t look great – dancing, and as for men well…. Obviously there are exceptions, but men just look awkward and dumb (Black and Latino men seem to deviate from the norm) when they dance. I grew up going to clubs in the eighties when I was in my twenties and dance music was in style big time and I could not dance. As a matter of fact I refused to dance and yes I took the same position as Johnny Depp in which he said that, “I would rather swallow a “bag of hair” than dance.”
My dating opportunities were monumentally slashed because the easiest way to introduce yourself to a woman was to ask her to dance and that was precisely what my male competitors did. My friends and I were all also in the two left feet club too except for one (who happens to be a regular reader of this blog) and guess who out of all my friends got all the girls. I actually considered taking dance lessons but all that was available was the Fred Astaire Studio franchises which offered traditional or classical dance like the Fox Trot and the Tango,etc. Indeed, we were a forlorn bunch of guys looking at the dance floor, sipping our beers, and hoping that we would somehow meet a woman who could understand our situation and predicament. If we somehow managed to spark up a conversation with a woman, the fear was always there – what if she asks me to dance? Well at this point, the options were not good; we could say no and then she would think that I was a “stick in the mud” or I could bravely accept her invitation and embarrass myself and show her what an incompetent “dork” I was when it comes to dancing.
Now what may seem counter-intuitive to some, is that I have a tremendous sense of rhythm, after all I played guitar, was involved in sports, and I was and am a life-time martial arts practitioner. The aforementioned requires an expertise in timing. My knowledge of space and movement was well understood but I’ve since learned that I and everyone else must learn about that sort of rhythmic measuring. We are not born with 4/4 or 4/6 timing, this is all learned, though it seems like second nature now. I suppose I could have learned how to dance if I practiced, but honestly, I never did, not unlike Johnny Depp, I don’t enjoy expressing myself via dance. Listen, I have never, ever, practiced dancing – no I have never put on an album and subsequently proceeded to dance. Tapping my foot or playing air guitar is as far as I’ve ever gone.
So WhaDaYaThink ? What do you think ? My opinion is women just look awesome dancing, it’s like fish to water; men, I’m really talking about white men (I know things are changing – white kids listen to rap etc.) just look stupid.

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5 Responses to “Johnny Depp Won’t Dance”

  1. magdalena tabor Says:

    You’re not alone, Michael. I remember going to “coffee houses” to listen to local bands and all my friends (girls) and I would all dance together. The guys just stood around. I always wondered about that……Even now, many weddings find all the women dancing together while the men sit at their tables watching. Some things never change.

  2. le duke de fromage Says:

    Michael, Described once as too self conscious and two left feet, your piece brought back many painful memories. I always felt dancing was counterintuitive to being cool, which meant standing with a drink watching someone else get the girl. Later in life I actually won a dance contest and was elated until I found out it was rigged by my partner who was a dance instructor. Now I realize no one really cares, so get up make an ass of yourself and dance.

  3. Sal Paradise Says:

    Ah, fond memories of voyeuristic Saturday nights at “The Getaway” and “Firehouse Pub.” Frankly, considering that we were usually drinking from one bottle while spitting Copenhagen snuff in another it’s amazing we weren’t virgins until our 30’s! You’re too hard on yourself, though, and I distinctly remember your inability to resist hitting the floor whenever “I Ran” by “Flock of Seagulls” was cued up…

  4. Michael Tabor Says:

    Hey Sal,

    My wife just wrote a new blog on reading. She referenced ‘On the Road’ but it wasn’t your book it was another Travel author. Hey btw, how is Dean, Ginsberg, Burrougs, & the other beats ? Are you guys in heaven ?

  5. Sal Paradise Says:

    Yeah, that would be Mr. Kuralt’s highly selective and sanitized recollection of his travels. Meh. It would have been a far more interesting read had he not neglected to mention the long-term affairs he had with several of his heartland- heroines. Of course, he had his lovable Uncle Charlie, ‘Good Morning America’ image to protect. Frankly, I find a Frommer’s guide more entertaining. Check out Paul Theroux.

    As for ‘heaven’ I’ll leave you with this:
    “The Mind is it’s own place, and in itself can create a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.”

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