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Tyler Talks Spa Day

June 15th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

tyler

Hi, it’s me! Tyler, who else! What a harrowing experience I’ve had. It all began the other day when Clementine (my sister)was scooped up in flash and put in that little box with the handle on top. She was crying! I ran over to help but what could I do? I don’t know the first thing about locksmithing so all I did was scream, “Help! Help! Clementine’s being kitnapped!” No one did a darn thing about it. They swooped her off to who knows where, then they brought her back about an hour later. Whew! What a relief! I asked her where she’d been but she wouldn’t say a word. How very mysterious.

A couple of days later, a variation of the exact same thing happened. Only this time, I wasn’t going to stick around in case they had any ideas about me, no sir. I headed for the cave underneath the bed but was blindsided. Somebody grabbed me! Was I destined for the same fate?

We were both smuggled into the Jeep and driven down some bumpy back road. We cried and cried in vain until I heard a familiar little voice say, “Don’t worry, kids. You’re having a Spa Day.” Oh, yeah? Well, what’s a “Spa”? Unless it’s food, I’m not interested, so get me out of here…..wahhhhh! Okay, so I’m a big baby. You would be too if you were in my shoes, if I had any.

Minutes later (but what seemed like hours) we pull up to a big red barn only there are no cows or horses inside, or even any hay. There are other cats! And no dogs, thank God. And these cats look perfectly fine, like, they’re not stressed out or anything. One of them says, “Don’t worry, buddy, it’s cool”. First, my name’s not “Buddy”, ya got that? And I didn’t come prancing in here of my own volition, so get out of my way. Usually, I’m a pretty nice guy but that kid annoyed the you-know-what out of me.

Then this guy waltzes in and says, “Hey, Tyler” like he’s my best friend in the world, reaches out and has the audacity to touch my fur! I cringed at the very sight of his freckled hand with the little curly hairs on top and backed into a corner but it was no use. He swept me up and started clipping my nails! You fool! How am I supposed to defend myself against the enemy, namely you? But he just kept it up, smiling like a buffoon. Clip! Clip! Clip! Bits of me flew in all directions. I prayed one of them would boomerang and hit him in the forehead – ping! But no such luck.

Then he proceeds to arrange some horrid looking instruments of torture on the table, chooses one, and combs me with it, tugging at the knots I worked for weeks to entangle myself in. Why can’t I have dreadlocks if I want to! It’s no good, he pulls harder – ouch! You $%#@*&^%! I swore. But he pretended not to hear me. I was beaten. Exhausted. He picked up my limp hairless body and stuck me in a cubicle. What, was I supposed to do some computer work now? Not unless they pay me for it! I know my rights. I want twice the salary you pay that mousey faced girl in the reception room who thinks she knows everything.

Then, of all things, Mom walks in and they slap her with a bill! You mean, you have to pay them??? For something I never wanted in the first place??? They got some decent sized fur balls out of all this! She opens her wallet and hands them a little plastic card. Okay, that’s better, she’s not as stupid as I thought. She sure fooled them into thinking they got something. Ha! Let them try to chew on that!  C’mon Clem, let’s go home. You wanna drive or shall I?

So……………whadayathink? Spas are so overrated. Wouldn’t you rather keep your toenails until you pull them out with your teeth? Don’t you think knots of fur sticking out in all directions make one appear a lot more distinguished? I’ll admit the little shaved spots are way cooler but it wasn’t worth the stress. Next time I’ll pick up more speed when I dive under the bed. It was that moment’s hesitation.

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Covfefelations! You’ve Done It Again!

May 31st, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

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By now, everyone has heard of the new word created by none other than the Trumpmeister himself.  Now now, in all fairness, given his limited knowledge of the English language, the word is not only sterling and original, it’s a reflection of unwitting ingenuity. I must say, I’m really rather impressed with the complexity of the word, the sophistication and yet playfulness of it when spoken, and the sheer (stifled laughter) magnitude of its origin. The question remains, however, what in blazes does it mean???

One can only speculate on the message lost in the meandering pathways of the brain in the man so earnestly attempting to express what (?) in the wee hours of Trumpdom. But another question just as perplexing eludes…..what is its pronunciation? It is of my personal opinion, and that of the general masses, to be “cov-feh-fee”. While we ponder this, here are some conjectures on its meaning in context:

Vould you like zom cream in your covfefe? (Spoken in your best Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation.)

My hair isn’t quite covfefed today. (This making perfect sense given the state of his coif.)

I was so happy there was covfefe at my inauguration, even if there was some in my hair for a week.

My next dog will be a poodle named Covfefe. Fifi is so passe.

I covfefe I know nothing about politics or anything meaningful.

Damn! I didn’t mean to hit send. That will put a nail in my covfefe for sure!

It’s widely known that sleep deprivation alters the cogs and wheels in the clockworks of the brain. My suggestion therefore, would be to refrain from drinking covfefe before bedtime. If you do, don’t drink and tweet.

So………………whadayathink? Have anything to add to this word of substance? Do you agree with the enormous potential value of the word? Will Starbucks cash in on this? Will von Trump get any sleep tonight or will covfefe rattle around in the coffers of his cranium? Will he brand the word before or after he figures out the definition? Let’s have a go at it, shall we?

Covfefe (cov-feh-fee): a nonsense word caused by a careless mishap at the hands of a blundering fool in the wee hours of twitter world.

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The Concept of Martyrdom is A Bad One

May 26th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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Jesus was a martyr but at least he didn’t take anyone down with him. His suicide (which is what it was if you believe his mission was to die for us) in my opinion makes zero sense, but hey – billions of people for centuries seem to think that his dying redeemed us from Original sin (That seductress – Eve). I, for the life of me am incapable of grasping how and why one would come to this conclusion. But, that’s another blog.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is Jesus did not kill anyone (God the father killed millions , but Jesus did not). Jesus also preaches thou shall not kill. So yes, Jesus was a martyr but as I said… On the other hand, the other monotheistic Abrahamic religion – Islam, explicitly encourages and rewards persons who not only commit suicide but also murder as many people as possible in the process in the name of their god Allah. Lovely!!!

How counterintuitive is it to think that suicide and mass murder is something that will get you into Paradise with all those virgins. Just absolute nonsense!!! WTF are these zealots thinking???

So to get to my point, what if one of these suicidal homicidal martyrs gets his hands on nuclear weaponry? It’s over – that’s what. End of the species – Sapiens and the Genus – Homo. Thankfully, N. Korea is not a theocracy and Kim Jung-Un is not suicidal. But Iran is.

So WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? What I’ve always thought to myself was – thank God making a nuclear bomb is prodigiously difficult. If it was easy, you wouldn’t be reading this now. You’d be dead.

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President Wanted: No Experience, No Skills, and No Intelligence Needed

May 22nd, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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Yep, that’s the ad the imbecilic, bankrupt, Reality Star responded to – a couple of years ago. And, ½ of America was stupid enough to buy into it and vote in Donald J. Trump.

I hope that after Trump gets impeached and maybe goes to prison afterwards, the people will finally have learned a thing or two.

Here’s sort of a laundry list of what we ought to learn from this atrocity and how we ought to proceed in the future so this doesn’t EVER happen again:

·        Politics is profoundly difficult and complicated.

·        There are at 3 qualifications anyone running for public office should have. Here they are:

  1. Must have experience in politics. One can begin locally in one’s hometown and then build up to state, etc. I think anyone running for POTUS ought to have at least a decade or more of experience as a governor or congressperson.

  2. Since we’re dealing with LAWS, I believe any candidate running for office must have a law degree, a JD – common sense. If you’re not a lawyer, then public life is not an option.

  3. Intelligence – well if you’re a lawyer and you passed the bar, then you’ve demonstrated that you’re smarter than the average person and you probably have a good idea of what the expression “we’re a nation of laws” means.

·        NO MORE celebrities –STOP!!! Arnold was awful, Jesse Ventura was a joke and Reagan, well…another blog. Al Franken seems to be the only competent one of the lot.

·        Just because you’re a “successful” business person (btw, we all know that Trump never was, but…another blog) doesn’t mean that you can transfer those skills and abilities into policy making and public life, etc.

There is more, but this is a start. So. WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? Let the impeachment proceedings commence and let’s get back on track.

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Tyler Talks Pampered Pets

May 21st, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

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Hi, it’s me again. Tyler! I want to talk about how silly human beings are, in case no one’s noticed and I haven’t mentioned it before. They think bowing to our every little need will buy them more love and respect. Ha!

Take for instance, “Petco” or “Pet Smart” (like they need to advertise how smart we are). It used to be you’d go to the local supermarket and get a dopey little toy with the bit of catnip and the annoying tinkling bell. Humans would throw it into their shopping cart as a last minute gesture to make us think they were sooooooooooo thoughtful. But the minute they threw it into our faces when they got home, we knew better. We’d give it a little poke, then turn our tail up and walk the other way. Look, it wasn’t quality, okay?  They just don’t grow catnip there like they do here.

The beans grew desperate for attention. So they created these huge conglomerates , pet this and pet that, and come on in with your pooches with smooches and buy the place up. Let’s get something straight. For thousands of years, long before the dawn of man, cats have been eating off the forest floor. We don’t need a fancy metal tray designed to prop two identical dishes at exactly three and a quarter inches under our chins. (Do we have have chins? Or is that distinction only given to humans? This requires more investigation.)

What about “cat trees”? Give me a break! Plushly carpeted stairs haphazardly placed with a little cubby hole thrown somewhere in between is supposed to take the place of the maple outside the window with the bird’s nest in it? “Here, Whiskers! Isn’t it great!” Try giving your cat a respectable name, Fatso.

Let’s talk flea collar, like we need it if you don’t let us out. What? Oh, just in case we get out? (The brilliancy of preventive medicine at its finest). If you’d let us out we wouldn’t need the litter box you can’t stand cleaning, blockhead! (Sorry for the expletive.) You have taken away our inalienable right to poop wherever we please, like that perfect little patch between the petunias and the “ impatience” (and so aptly named too).  Listen, when your toilet stops up, stop complaining and try using the litter box for once. See how you like it. It’s not my fault you get irritated when the little granules get stuck to the bottom of your feet when we track it all over the floor. What are we supposed to do, wipe our feet? Oh, now they have these ingenious rubber mats that are supposed to trap the little buggers on the spot. Don’t you dare buy one of those! I’d much rather have you spend your “hard earned money” on that silly little stuffed toy with the tweeting sound. I promise I’ll poke it more than once if it’ll make you happy.

And what about the poor dogs? Not that I care that much, but really, how humiliating for them to have their dopey little heads poking out of a canvas mesh bag while the beans carry them around shopping for collars with rhino stones (I think that’s what they call them).

Pampered Pets, indeed! If there’s anyone being pampered it’s the beans themselves, especially the sharecroppers (not sure of the word)of the huge corporations cashing in on all this. What? Where are you going? You mean the big one in Orange Plaza? Don’t forget to bring me back that toy, you know, the red one with the stripes on its belly and the feather with the bell. Sorry about the interruption, folks, had to attend to some urgent business matter.

So…………….whadayathink? Can you live without the luxury of a back roll on an imported oriental rug? Wouldn’t you much rather romp in the meadow catching butterflies? They call them that because they’re so slippery! But not as slippery as humans, watch out for those!

 

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Chris Cornell Commits Suicide

May 20th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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Chris Cornell, lead singer and frontman of the grunge rock band, SoundGarden, hanged himself in his hotel room only hours after performing a concert on Wednesday night. Chris was 52 years old and seemingly “had it all” – more money than any one-person needs, fame, celebrity, friends, family, loved by family, loved by millions, super-talented and revered. What is going on??? Another suicide that just doesn’t seem to add up (to some ignorant people anyway).

Clinical depression is not something that’s “all in your head” nor is it something that you can just snap out of. The best book I’ve ever read on this subject was by the late William Styron titled ‘Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness”. This memoir in fewer than 200 pages encapsulated what it’s “like” to be clinically and suicidally depressed. Describing depression lucidly and in concrete terms is virtually impossible. Styron did an amazing job by teasing out the details metaphorically i.e. “like being in an overheated waiting room for eternity with no relief in sight…” …an unfathomable suffocating, choking and drowning feeling…”  Simply the epitome of hopelessness, helplessness, futility and unspeakable FATIGUE + the horrible feeling of “I’m never ever going to escape this…all is lost. Everything is dark, lonely and ugly.

Check this out: 121 die by suicide each day and 93 of them are men. According to the CDC, most of the men are between the ages of 45 – 65 and an overwhelming number of the suicide victims are white (7 out of 10) and counterintuitively, many victims seem to be financially independent ($$ does not buy happiness). When people are struggling to eke out a living, they’re less likely to kill themselves.

Can you imagine the pain and agony Chris Cornell was in??? Stangling yourself to death!!! Could you do that? Even if you were stricken with a dreadful terminal disease like ALS, that way of offing yourself just doesn’t seem possible – at least to me anyway. So WhaDaYaThink? WhaDaYaThink? I hope you have found peace, Chris.

This is eerie…Chris basically saying goodbye.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ao7HSRFYWI

 

 

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Mike At The Movies

May 18th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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Russell Brand: From Addiction to Recovery

Just finished watching Russell Brand’s documentary on drug and alcohol addiction – an inside look into his personal anguishing journey as well as other people’s nightmares. Russell nails it when he states that being a junkie is worse than DEATH – way worse. It’s HELL, simply speaking. I’ve personally had abuse issues with alcohol, Xanax, and suboxone . Today I am completely clean and sober and by the grace of God have zero desire to EVER go back to Hades. Unfortunately, I now have real (Note: addiction is absolutely real on a physical and psychological level.  Amy Winehouse, at the age of 27 died from alcohol withdrawal not an overdose)Physical health issues (I won’t get into it here) and am grateful that I don’t have to contend with addiction issues anymore.

It’s surprising to many that Russell Brand who on the surface had absolutely everything: money, fame, celebrity, extraordinary good-looks, etc. but his life was spiraling out of control. At the end, he was just another desperate junkie just waiting to die or get his next fix – 24/7. Many people who don’t have addiction issues simply don’t understand. An outsider looks at an alcoholic and is completely perplexed. “Why is this person destroying himself??? It’s so obvious to the addict and everyone else that he or she is slowly killing themselves and ruining the lives of everyone around them.  The person who doesn’t drink or do drugs just doesn’t understand. WHY is it so hard for someone to just STOP??? It’s very seductive for a “normal” person to wonder why addicts do it. Not drinking is so EASY and natural for someone who doesn’t have a problem. I understand. STOP!!!! -is the impulse for them to say. But, sadly it’s so much more complicated than that. Russell Brand tries to emphasize over and over that alcoholism is a DISEASE not unlike cancer.

Russell Brand is back and better than ever and is enjoying his life. He was one of the lucky ones who caught it in time. I struggle everyday 24/7 with chronic and agonizing pain but at least I don’t have to worry about getting that next drink. WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? As bad as alcoholism is, you do however have a choice to do something about it. With ALS, Cancer, and other dreadful diseases, you don’t have that luxury. God bless and stay sober!!!

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Entertainment or Sport

May 16th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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These days, just as important as your skills in Wrestling, Jiu-Jitsu, Boxing, Striking, etc. is the art of ‘Shit Talking” or building up a fight. Connor McGregor and Jon Jones are the greatest fighters in the world, but not unlike Muhammed Ali, they know that the ENTERTAINMENT aspect of MMA is more important than the actual fight (sometimes – to be fair). MMA is bigger than ever because of these larger – than – life personalities. In the beginning, it used to be all about the martial arts and respect, now it’s all about denigrating your opponent with one’s mouth – before the actual fight.

So WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? Hey, it’s what the average fan wants. I just hope it doesn’t turn into a circus like boxing and professional wrestling. I am terrified of fights being fixed and fighters getting title shots not based on merit and ability but shenanigans.  Oh, how can I neglect to mention the Diaz brothers? They have taken “Shit Talking” to a completely new level. Hey, but they’re no longer poor boys from Stockton, they’re multi-millionaires.

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Tyler Talks Animal Planet

May 7th, 2017 by Magdalena Tabor

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Hi, it’s me! Tyler! I’ll get right into it today, no pussy footing around.

Stephen Hawk King says if the human species is going to survive they need to colonize another planet in the next 100 years. First he said 1000 years, now it’s 100. This poses a problem right off the bat, this inconsistency with the number of years. After screwing up the earth in more ways than I can count on one paw (and I’m not a Hemingway cat, I only have 5 digits), they can’t even remotely estimate how long they have before they go and pollute another planet. One hundred years, give or take nine hundred. Hit it in the ballpark, okay?

Which brings me to my second point. They can’t even agree on Yankees and Red Sox let alone climate change. When push comes to shove, who gets to go to this pristine paradise and mess it up?

We all know the moon is inhabited by mice, right? There are huge craters dug by monster sized mice nibbling at the moon’s crust (I think it’s Limburger, nice and smelly like a good pair of old sneakers). I’d like to go there!  All cats should be sent to the moon!

There’s only one problem with that. Once all the mice have been eaten, who’s going to open that can of cat food? I propose we send one human along with all the cats to be our slave. Let’s face it. We don’t need a whole human species. One human bean is enough. But what if something happens to that one bean? Like he contracts ring worm from Saturn for instance? One can never be too careful. Okay, two then! Let’s make it two beans. One to open the can, the other to dispose of it. That’s all they can handle anyway. No, wait. We have to be responsible and recycle.  Can we use the same can over and over? If we do, what will be the function of the other bean? Can we get him to groom us? Does he appreciate the quality of a good brush?

As for all of the other animals on earth, let’s make a space age Noah’s Ark and get two of each species and blast them far enough away from the moon. They can all fend for themselves without so-called human intervention (as witnessed on planet Earth). That should satisfy animal advocates and fundamentalists alike.

It’s really sad, though. I’ll miss some things about Earth. All those birds and bugs I swat at and never seem to catch. I really don’t like the taste of mice that much. I’d much rather have a can of Fancy Feet, chicken’s my favorite. Wait! Hawk King said we have one hundred years, right? So I won’t be around anyway! And we won’t need a human to open that can, except for right now! So where’s Michael? Open that can of chicken and you can throw the empty can at Hawk King for all I care.

So……………whadayathink? Should humans venture into space and cause more chaos and corruption? Will they force aliens from their homeland and let Luke Skywalker open a casino? Will Das Trump Tower disappear from the skyline once and for all? And is it really constructed with millions of cans of Fancy Feet? Let’s get him to open a can! An instructional video should do the trick. He does have trouble reading. Is “chicken” too hard a word? Does he know one when he sees one? Do we trust him with this job?

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Republicans Are Shameless Cowards

May 4th, 2017 by Michael Tabor

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I’ll begin this blog with a tweet by John Fugelsang: “Healthcare Republicans just took healthcare away from American children with cancer but it’s ok they’re so pro-life.

So the House achieves a NARROW victory by repealing Affordable Healthcare Act. 217 spineless Republicans in the House voted yes. In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe a single Republican who voted YES did so in good faith. Pandering, partisanship, and sheer cowardice prompted these sycophants to vote YES . Anyone and everyone who knows anything at all about the healthcare system in this country knows that a repeal of Obamacare will be absolutely disastrous to ALL living in this country. The consequences are unfathomably far-reaching.

I’m just going to itemize a few salient effects:

·        23 million people in this country will immediately lose coverage.

·        And of course the super-rich will get their huge tax cuts – somewhere along the lines of $195,000 – or a total of $2.8 billion and on the flip side, the poor and the middle class will lose tax cuts of around the same amount – $2.9 billion actually.

·        The Affordable Care Act and Universal coverage will be replaced with what our illiterate President says is “something terrific.”

·        Tens of thousands of people will DIE due to lack of access to medical care. The Trumps and everybody else in congress have no skin in the game. Their healthcare coverage is not in jeopardy + that juicy tax cut!!!

·        About 1.4 million young adults who are on their parents plan will be gone.

·        12.3 million people on Medicaid – also goodbye.

·        This is scary. The pre-existing condition ban will be lifted which will result in an estimated increase of 52 million more people uninsured.

·        Premiums invariably will skyrocket, as high as 50% within 1st year of repeal and doubling afterwards.

·        Here is something people don’t think about. No healthcare also = slashing jobs – about 2.6 million people currently working in the healthcare industry will be jobless.

So WhaDaYaThink? What do you think? It’s not over yet, so be hopeful. It’s not going to be a cakewalk for the republicans to get it through the Senate.

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